


To Hell and Back

by the_madhatter



Series: Supernatural One-Shots [4]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: F/M, Gen, Hell, Memory Loss, Reader Insert, Torture, Unresolved Romantic Tension, Violence, possible trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-02
Updated: 2016-11-13
Packaged: 2018-02-11 10:34:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,034
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2064807
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_madhatter/pseuds/the_madhatter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Imagine dying to save Dean’s life and getting sent to Hell. Dean finds a way to bring you back, but it comes at a cost: all your memories of him, Sam, and your hunting adventures.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> From an imagine i saw on the supernatural imagines blog on Tumblr.
> 
> I dont own supernatural

You jumped in front of Dean just as the demon’s arm flew up.  You felt the air leave your lungs as it used all of its strength to choke the life out of your body.  Your vision started to turn hazy and dark, your head was swimming.  You could hear the frantic yells of Dean and Sam’s wavering voice as he started to recite the Latin words to save you before it was too late.  Dean was struggling against another demon as he tried to break you free of the iron hold you were in.  You felt yourself drift in and out of consciousness, then you were falling to the ground gasping for air.  “Sammy I got her!”  You heard Dean yell to Sam across the dimly lit warehouse.  “Dean.”  You tried to say, but your voice raspy and inaudible.  You saw the black smoke leave the possessed around you, and heard Sam’s heavy footfalls in your direction. 

“I’ve got you Y/N.  It’s over now.”  He cooed as he held you up, allowing you to catch your breath.  You tried to shake your head, you saw through blurry eyes a person who had been one of the demons seconds before stagger towards you and Dean, gun in hand.  You watched with horror in your eyes as he aimed the weapon at Dean’s back.  You used all the strength you had to move behind him and position yourself in the line of fire.  Before he could realize what had happened the gun went off hitting you in the chest, stopping your heart instantly.  Your last thought alive was of Dean, and the things you had wished you could have said to him.  You didn’t get to see what happened next, if Dean and Sam got the guy or not.

You felt the piercing pain as the bullet entered your body.  You felt as though the world had slowed to almost a stop.  You watched the back of Dean’s head slowly turn and his face contort as he realized what had just happened.  Then everything was black.  You weren’t in any pain, but you couldn’t feel anything else either.  This feeling of nothingness went on for what felt like an eternity.  You had no way of telling how long you had been in the darkness and you had nothing to think about except the awful, gut retching face Dean had made when he saw you. 

A red glow was moving closer to you now.  It was below you and gaining fast.  Soon after, you realized you had been falling.  “No.”  You said loud and clear, your voice back to normal. As you fell, a wave of heat engulfed you.  The closer you fell to the light, the hotter it would get.  “I can’t be here.”  Your voice was low.  Then you hit something.  You landed on your front with a loud thud, and weren’t able to bring your hands in front of you to brace yourself.  You waited for the pain but there was none.  You quickly sat up and looked around.  It was an empty orange room.  “Hello?”  You called, towards the small door to the equally small room.  No answer.  “Alrighty then.”  

You could feel the heat from the room, it was hotter than a person could take but you weren’t actually a person anymore.  You were dead, and dead people don’t sweat.  You moved to one of the corners furthest from the door and sat down.  “I really shouldn’t be here.”  You said again thinking about the predicament you were in.  Then you thought of the brothers, more specifically Dean.  “Please don’t do anything stupid.”  You said out loud, picturing him going to every cross roads demon he could summon, every angel he could possibly pray to.  Then you heard footsteps outside the door.

“Y/N L/N?”  The door burst open.  “Yeah, that’s you.  Welcome to hell, this way.”  A very thin, petite woman was standing before you wearing a blazer and pencil skirt, all black.  Her thick curls of golden hair cascaded to her shoulders.  “Sorry lady but I’d rather stay right here.”  You said calmly.  “No can do.  The big man wants a word with you before you start your eternal punishment.”  She spoke every word with a grin on her face.  “The big man as in Crowley?”  You absent mindedly searched your pockets for any sort of weapon you could have brought with you.  “You’re wasting your time dear.”  The blonde said when she noticed you searching your pockets.  “What?”  You stopped and placed your hands at your sides.  “This way.”  Her eyes flashed black, just like they did up top in the living world. 

“Why are you being so nice?  Shouldn’t I be strapped down to a table with pokers sticking out of my abdomen by now?”  After the words left your mouth you realized that you had taken the whole dying situation rather well.  “Not just yet, dear.  The fun stuff starts after you have your little meeting with the big man.”  She referred to her boss the big man again.  You couldn’t help but chuckle.  She shot you a dirty look but didn’t say a word.  You followed her out of the orange room and down a very long hallway with no walls.  You looked back to the room you had been in and gasped.  You could see into the room, the walls had vanished, or they were never there you didn’t know which one.  As you walked down the scorching corridor you couldn’t help but stare at the many souls trapped in similar rooms you had been in. 

There were all sorts of people.  Men and women both young and old; all doing different things.  You walked by a man who looked about your age who had been screaming nonsense.  You also passed an elderly woman who had just been sitting in the middle of the floor, rocking herself back and forth mumbling something.  The lady who led you down the hallway looked back and caught you staring.  “You’re lucky.  People don’t usually leaving their waiting room so quickly.” 

Her words made you wonder how long you had been in there, and how long some of the others had been waiting.  “So how’s Crowley?  If he’s still in charge.”  You asked trying to catch up with her.  She didn’t say a word and continued walking.  “He is still in charge right?”  More silence.  “No one’s replaced him yet, really?”  You asked, trying to hold back another laugh.  She still was silent.  “I’ll take that as a no.”  You managed to keep from laughing, but the reality of it all hit you again and you stayed quiet.  You really were dead and you really were in Hell.  Dean and Sam were grieving over you, or worse, trying to bring you back. 

~~~~

“You shot her you son of a bitch!  I’ll kill you for this!”  Dean screamed as Sam took the now half dead man out of the warehouse. 

After he shot you Dean didn’t hesitate to disarm and beat the living shit out of him.  Sam had made it over to Dean before he could finish it.  “He doesn’t know what’s happening Dean!”  Sam yelled as he pulled Dean off of the man.  After that Dean never left your side.  He cradled your lifeless body in his arms as he watched Sam carry the man away.  “Y/N.  Y/N, I’m sorry.  I’m so sorry this happened; but I’ll fix it.  I’ll get you back.  I’ll bring you back to me Y/N.”  He was sobbing as he pushed a strand of hair off of your face. 

Sam walked back over to Dean after bringing the guy outside.  “I don’t think he’s going to make it.  You beat him pretty bad.”  Before he could say anything more he looked down to your body and froze.  “She’s gone Sammy.  Was as soon as the bullet hit her.”  Dean was choking back the words.  “Come on let’s get her in the car.”  Sam was fighting back tears as he picked up your body off of the ground.  Dean stood up with him.  “Let me take her, Sam.”  Dean then held you in his arms bridal style.  The tears he didn’t bother holding back fell on to you.  He placed a kiss on your forehead before he started walking to the Impala. 

~~~~

“Listen lady, we’ve been walking down this hallway for hours and you’re kinda making this whole ‘I’m in hell and now I’m going to be tortured for all eternity’ thing seem like a day at the beach.  Is my suffering supposed to be walking down a never-ending hallway, because to be honest I can see how that can be categorized as torture.”  You dragged on, following curly head as she continued walking and not saying a word to you.  “You know; I never caught your name?”  You said after a few minutes of silence.  “You’re right; I never gave it to you.”  Those were the first words she’d spoken in hours.  “With your winning attitude I’d guess you were Meg; but then again she would have said something to give her away by now.  And I don’t think she’s done anything to get demoted.” 

You’d expected her to turn around and stab you or something but it didn’t even earn you a dirty look.  She just kept on walking.  After another hour or so of walking you finally reached the end of the corridor.  “He’s waiting for you.”  Were the last words you heard her say before you were in the lavishing throne room.  At least that’s what you thought it looked like.  There was a large throne like chair placed in the middle of the deep red room, a very familiar face seated in it.  “Y/N, sweetheart, lovely to see you.”  Crowley said as he stood and walked over to you.  “Hey Crowley, long time no see.  I was just talking about you.”  You fake smiled.  “Good things I hope.  You don’t want to be pissing off the one with the power down here, love.  I can make your time here the worst imaginable.”  His smile was more devious than usual. 

“Or you could send me back since I’m not supposed to be down here anyways.”  You suggested.  “Oh sorry Y/N, but no can do.  You see there’s nowhere else for you to go.  Heaven doesn’t want a hunter like you and well I really didn’t want you either but here you are.”  He was obviously getting bored with the conversation.

“If you don’t want me just send me back then.”  You cut the playful, I don’t care that I’m dead act.  Everything was finally completely sunken in and you were begging him to send you back.  “Crowley I can’t leave them.  Not yet.”  You felt tears well up in your eyes but none fell.  You couldn’t cry, you only felt the discomfort of crying.  “I can’t leave him yet.”  The words barely above a whisper.  “You really don’t have a choice now Y/N.”  He sounded genuinely sad when he spoke.  “I’m afraid I’ve got to answer a call.  No sense in you waiting here so Al will take you to where ever he sees fit.  It was good to see you again Y/N.”  With that Crowley was gone and you were in a very small dark room. 

“So you were the bitch with the Winchesters.”  A deep voice said, rather aggressively, from behind you.  “So good to see you again.”  They said before you felt a sharp pain in your lower back.  You tried to move your arms but you realized they were tied above your head.  You hadn’t even noticed you were hanging from your wrists.

You felt another sharp pain, this time up between your shoulder blades.  You let out a whimper.  “This is nothing compared to what’s coming, princess.”  You shuddered and spoke up.  “Do your worst tough guy.”  You spat, then felt another twinge of pain come from the center of your back.  You shut your eyes and tried to think of anything but the pain.  Dean’s face popped up in your mind.  You watched him drive from the passenger’s seat, his face red and stained with tears.  You were pulled from this image when you felt your skin get hot on your left side.  Then you watched out of the corner of your eye a white hot poker slide into your side like butter.  You bit your tongue and held back a scream.  “Oh come on sweetheart don’t hold back on me.”  The voice whispered in your ear, his words like venom.  You heard footsteps walk away from you.  “Don’t move darling, I’ll be right back.” 

You were alone once more.  The sensation of crying came over you once more, this time you could feel the wet tears stream down your face.  You started sobbing soon after, not from the pain in your side or your back, but at the thought of losing everything and being stuck in hell.  Your chest heaved, but no sounds escaped your lips.  Then a handsome looking man appeared in front of you.  “I’m back.”  He said with a sly grin that made your stomach turn.  You stopped crying almost instantly.  “I thought you were supposed to be hideous down here and not look like a human.”  You pointed out; remembering demons looked different in hell.  But everyone you’ve seen so far looked like a person.  “I can make myself look like whomever I want sweet-cheeks.”  As he was talking you noticed the slight changes in his face and Dean now stood before you.  You shut your eyes and held your breath, hoping he would disappear by sheer will power. 

“Still here.”  He sang, mocking you when you opened your eyes to see if he was still Dean.  You grimaced.  “Oh you can’t imagine your boyfriend down here with you?”  His words bounced of his tongue, his voice imitating Dean’s perfectly.  You kept your mouth shut.  “News flash honey, he’s been here before.”  He tried to get into your head.  But you had already known that Dean was here, he had opened up to you about the time he spent there.  “Go on stretch your arms a bit.”  He made the shackles that held your arms above your head disappear and your arms fell to your sides.  “Change your face.”  Your tone was angry and hurt.  “Sorry, no can do.  You’re in Hell remember?”  He circled you, predatory eyes moving up and down your form.   “Yeah, eternal suffering and whatever.”  You sighed, avoiding his gaze. 

“Hands behind you love.”  You resisted, only seeing how far you could push him.  It didn’t take much; he pulled your hands behind you almost straightaway.  “Don’t test me.”  He hissed, yanking them hard.  “You know, I like being your boyfriend.  Just think of all of the emotional damage I can cause.” 

“We weren’t together.”  You said watching him slice your chest open.  The throbbing came first then shortly after the familiar feeling of liquid running down from the open wound.  “Oh but you two were still two peas in a pod.  As close as you could get without sex; so he’s still a good candidate to be while you’re down here.  At least for a while.  I might want to switch things up.”  He made another cut.  You continued to stay quiet, not wanting to give him the satisfaction.  “You really are a pretty thing aren’t you.”  He cut the neckline of your t-shirt, creating a very wide and very deep v shape.  “How could he resist you?”  Dean’s vibrant green eye twinkled before you, but the smile that was on his face was malicious.  Then the green was gone and they were pitch black.  He took the knife and cut the top of your breasts.  You winced.  Then he plunged the knife into your heart, all the while the sickening smile on his face. 

You watched his face go back from Dean to the man he was before.  “You’re done for the day.”  He said and then you were back in the orange room.  You looked down to your chest, it was as if he never cut you, never stabbed you.  You sat back in the furthest corner from the door, on the left side and brought your knees to your chest.  “You will not break down.  You will be strong.”  You told yourself. 

~~~~

“I’m telling you Bobby, she won’t last down there; I know her.”  Dean yelled into the phone, pacing in front of the Impala.  “I’ve got to get her out.  I will do anything it takes to get her out.”  He said more to himself than Bobby on the other end.  “Dean, don’t do anything stupid.”  Bobby warned.  “If stupid is what brings her back Bobby…”  He trailed off after noticing Crowley a few feet away.  He hung up without saying another word.  “Bring her back!”  Dean yelled, walking rather fast towards Crowley.  “Can’t.  My hands are tied on this one.”  He held up his hands.  “You bring her back now.  Take me instead.”  Dean grabbed Crowley by the neck of his shirt.  “That’s the problem.  You were supposed to be there instead of her, but she saved you and took your spot.  There’s already been a switch, her for you, I can’t do another one.” 

“But can’t you do anything else?  A deal?  Anything?”  Dean let go; he was begging now.  “Ask your angel friend, he got you out didn’t he?”  Crowley backed away from Dean, unsure of what he might do next.  “Don’t you think I’ve already asked him?  She’s been gone a week!”  He was clearly falling apart.  “Mate, you smell like death.  Go get yourself cleaned up, move on, she’s gone and she’s not coming back.”  Crowley tried to talk some sense into Dean.  But his attempts were fruitless.  Dean was unable to hear reason at that point.  “Where’s Moose?”  Crowley asked as he searched the Impala behind Dean.  “Back at the motel.”  Dean replied.  “Where?”  Crowley pursued.  Dean rattled off the address and Crowley was gone. 

“Your brother has gone mad.”  Crowley stated, making Sam jump up from the bed.  “How did you-?” 

“No time Sam.  If he goes on the way he is he’ll just end up down there with her.”  Crowley grabbed Sam and brought him back to Dean.  “Talk some sense into your brother.”  He pushed Sam towards Dean then disappeared again.  “Dean come on lets go back.  You could use some sleep.”  Sam slowly stepped in Dean’s direction.  “You haven’t done a damn thing, Sammy!  Do you even care that she’s gone?”  A single tear slid down Dean’s cheek.  “Of course I care Dean.  She was like family to me.”  Sam said, with some compassion as he took another careful step towards his brother, who was seconds away from breaking down completely.  “Come on Dean, we’ll talk back at the motel.”  Sam was right next to Dean now; he took him by the arm and led him to the car without a fight.  “I have to get her back Sammy.”  Was all Dean said the rest of the night.  As soon as he was in the car he was out.  Sam drove them both back to the motel and helped Dean inside and to the bed. 

~~~~

 

There was no use in trying to sleep.  Even if you were able to, the room was way too bright.  It would dim down to a faint glow every once and a while and just when you thought it was going to stay like that, the intensity of the light would return.  You shut your eyes anyway to see if sleeping was a possibility to kill time.  On the brink of unconsciousness the door flew open and the small curly haired woman stood before you once more.  “He would like a word with you.”  She spat, obviously annoyed.  You jerked up on to your feet and sucked in a breath; mentally preparing you for the trek down the corridor.  But, to your surprise, when you reached her she placed a hand on your shoulder and you were both in what looked like his living quarters. 

You turned back to her to ask if she brought you to the right place, but when you did she was gone.  “Is this going to be a regular thing?”  You asked, watching Crowley as he walked over to you with two glasses in hand.  “No, this is only going to be a one-time thing.”  He handed you the glass, it was scotch.  “You know, Dean is a mess.  Practically killed himself yesterday.”  Crowley stated, then took a sip from his drink.  “How?”  You tried to keep calm.  “Poor sod got black out drunk, drove to the vamp nest they were staking out, and well you get the picture.”  He started to walk back to a large couch and motioned for you to follow.  “He’s not…” 

“Dead?  No.  His little angel got him out of there.”  He took another sip.  You let out the breath you hadn’t been aware you were holding.  “How long has it been up there?”  You asked looking down at your drink.  “Two weeks.”  You couldn’t make out his tone, he sounded sorry about the whole thing though.  “You know time moves, well it moves differently down here?”  He asked, and you nodded in response.  “I don’t want to know how long it’s been.  I think I’d go mad if I did.”  You took a swig of the scotch, downing half of it in one gulp.  “But it feels like years.”  You said before you drank down the last of it; thinking back to Dean’s Hell stories and how he was gone for four months up there but forty years down here.  You shuddered. 

“There’s no way to get me back up there with him is there?”  Your tone sounded defeated, even to you.  “I’m afraid not.”  He said pouring you another glass.  “Cas can’t come down here and pull me out?”  You laughed dryly, then took a sip from your glass.  Crowley didn’t respond.  “Crowley?  He can’t come pull me out can he?”  You set your glass down and sat up straighter.  “If he could, he would have by now.”  You both knew it was a lie.  Cas wouldn’t risk coming to get you, he only had for Dean because Dean was worth too much to lose.  You were just another hunter who died on the job.  “There has to be another way.  Something.”  You said to yourself, taking another swig.  “If there was; and I’m not saying there is; but if there was, it would cost more than you’d be willing to pay.”  Crowley hadn’t been looking at you, but his drink instead.  “What kind of price?”  You pushed, wanting answers.  “It could be anything.  You could end up back down here in a year or eighty.  It could be a loved one’s soul or your own.  Hell, it could even be something simple like let’s say your memories.”  He shrugged; you could see a faint grin peek out from behind his glass.    

Then he was quiet and glaring at someone over your shoulder.  You turned to see Dean standing in the doorway.  You felt your stomach flip.  Then when his eyes went back you struggled not to be sick.  “Y/N, I really am sorry that there is nothing I can do.”  Crowley said to you, utterly sincere in his comment before you were in the dark room once again.  You felt your arms above your head, and looked around to see where he was.  You found him across the room, standing behind a long table covered with what you assumed were items to torture you with.  “Why does he hate you so much?”  You asked as the demon took the form of the original man and walked towards you.  “He wants you and I want his job.  But he won’t trade.”  He sounded pouty and childish.  “Why would he want me?”  You asked, shivering slightly as he moved closer.  “To save you, why else?”  He walked behind you and trailed the cool metal of the dagger against you bare back.  “He doesn’t think you belong down here; but he can’t find a way to get you out that doesn’t have a price.”  He brought his hands around your waist and raked the blade along your abdomen. 

“What kind of price?”  You breathed as he brought the knife back behind you then up to your throat.  “Your mind.  The price to send you back would be your mind; your memories to be exact.  Something so simple could really be the breaking point for someone like you.”  He made a shallow cut on your collar.  You thought back to your conversation with Crowley.  “So what?  I get to go back, but as a meat suit?  You keep my mind and my body just walks free?”  You winced as he made the cut deeper.  “No sweetheart.  You will be fully conscious and have your brain to yourself.  You just won’t have any memory of your hunting days with the Winchesters.  Sam and Dean would be nothing to you.”  He snickered as he made another slice, now on your stomach.  “So I lose the only people I have to go back to?” 

“Not lose them completely.  You’d still be with them; you’d just have no clue who the hell they are.”  He paused, plunging the knife into your stomach.  He was then back at the table, talking over his shoulder.  “But, of course you’d still have every other memory.  Like the one when I ripped your mother’s throat out and made you and your father watch.”  He was waltzing back over with what looked like rib spreaders.  “Or the other time when I reached in like this and yanked your fathers heart out a year later.”  He shoved his hand in your chest and squeezed your non-functioning heart.  You let out a gurgled yelp.  “I guess I won’t be needing these.”  He threw the spreaders and before they could hit the floor you were back in the orange room. 

~~~~

“There’s a catch though.”  Cas said to Sam as they walked away from the motel room.  “There always is.”  Sam stated.  “She would be back, but have no memory of either you or Dean.  Everything else, however, would be just as is it was.”  Castiel looked over Sam’s shoulder to see Dean staggering out of the motel room; half empty bottle of whiskey in hand.  “She would still remember hunting, but all of the one’s with Dean and I would be gone?”  Sam asked, looking over his shoulder then speaking quieter so Dean couldn’t hear.  “She would still have those memories; you just wouldn’t be in them.”  Cas clarified.  “I can’t do that to him.”  Sam turned to see Dean was back in the motel room, door shut.  “I’ve already spoken with him on the matter and he has told me that whatever it takes to get her back, memories or not, we have to do it.” 

~~~~

It felt like you were only in the orange room for a few hours before being brought back to the dark room, this time strapped to a table.  Your wrists and ankles bound.  “You know, Crowley has made a deal with the angel to let you out of here.”  Your father’s voice echoed through the room.  “And you get no say in what becomes of you.”  He was standing on your left side, grinning down at you with your father’s face on.  “He’s down here too.  I don’t get the pleasure of torturing him though.”  He was now Dean again.  “Too bad too.  I could have told him how much fun we’re having.”  He laughed. 

“Turns out your leaving soon though.”  He paced beside you.  “But I have it on good authority that you’ll be back here in no time.” His smile made your stomach churn. 

Then everything went dark.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long! Please forgive me DX Also, I apologize for any mistakes and if anyone is out of character. 
> 
> Thank you so much for the comments and kudos, it really means a lot :)

You jerked up, gasping for air.  Your head was throbbing and you had the worst taste in your mouth; a mix between pennies and dirt.  Your hearing was the first thing to come back to you; you could hear the loud, steady breathing of someone next to you.  You could tell that they were asleep at the moment.  Then you heard some hushed whispers coming from outside of where you were.  Your eye sight came into focus and you saw that you were at Bobby’s.  An old friend of your father’s; who you hadn’t seen in years.  You looked over to the sleeping form next to you.  He was sprawled out in the chair, his facial hair unkempt and his clothes weren’t the cleanest.  He looked like hadn’t showered in days, or changed his clothes in that time.  Then you noticed the gun beside him on the table.  “Hunter.”  You clarified to yourself. 

As soon as the word left your lips he stirred in his chair.  Then you saw Bobby come in with another man, who you assumed was another hunter.  “Hey darlin’.  Good to have you back with the living.”  He smiled, walking over to the side of the bed the man in the chair wasn’t on.  You tried to move over to the edge to hug Bobby, but your body protested with aches and pains everywhere.  “Just relax for a bit.  Get your strength back.”  He backed up a step.  You glanced at the taller man with the shaggy hair.  He looked at you expectantly.  “Do I have something on my face?”  You asked in his direction, your voice cracked and was raspy.  “No, no.  Just glad to see that you’re alright is all.”  You picked up on the slight sadness in his voice.  “Do I know you?”  You asked, searching his face; sensing some familiarity to it.  You just couldn’t put your finger on it.  “Uh, no.”  You could tell he wasn’t being entirely truthful, but decided to let it slide.

“Here you go Y/N.”  Bobby handed you the glass of water he had been holding.  “Can you remember anything?”  He asked, pulling over a chair from the corner of the room.  “Not much.”  You tried to search through your brain for anything but just kept coming up with darkness; then a memory flashed up but it was hazy.  “Wait.  Yeah.  I.. um.. Crowley.  I remember talking with Crowley.”  You recalled sitting on his couch.  “But I can’t remember what we talked about.”  You let out a sigh of frustration.  “How long?”  You asked Bobby, forgetting about the other two in the room.  “Almost six months.”  You dropped the glass you had been holding, it shattered on the floor next to Bobby’s feet.  “No.  That’s not right.”  You shook your head.  “No I was gone for only a few weeks.”  You were sure it had been only a few weeks up here.  You remembered that much from your conversation with Crowley.  “I wasn’t down there for sixty years, Bobby.  I wasn’t.”  You paused.  “It couldn’t have been more than a couple.”  You told yourself. 

“Bringing you back here wasn’t easy.  After finding out it was even possible it took a few months to get everything in order.”  The tall one chimed in.  You shot a glare at him.  “Who the hell are you?  How would you even know?”  You spat.  Angry and frustrated that so much time had passed without your knowledge.  Before he could say anything else, the man from the chair sprung up and brought you into a tight, uncomfortable embrace.  “I thought I lost you forever.”  He whispered in your ear.  You tried to push him away, still extremely sore.  “Excuse me?”  You tried harder to push the guy off of you, but a small part of you welcomed him and didn’t want him to let go.  But he did and sheepishly backed off.  “Boys I think she could use some space for a bit.”  Bobby said, nodding to the doorway.  They both left, the shorter one, never stopped looking at you. 

“I wasn’t there for sixty years Bobby.  I remember that much.”  You said, not being able to get it out of your mind, picking away at the darkness for any hint of a memory.  “Who were those guys?”  You tried to change the subject, more for yourself.  “Sam and Dean Winchester.  They’ve been helping me get you back.”  You could tell that Bobby wasn’t telling you something.  That he was leaving out important details that needed to be said.  “And?”  You urged him to continue.  “And what?  They’ve been helping me, end of story.”  He crossed his arms.  “That one hugged me and said ‘I thought I lost you forever’.”  You said flatly.  “Dean said that?”  Bobby’s tone went from content to furious in less than a second; and before you could mention it he was out of the room. 

“What in the hell are you trying to do?”  You heard him yell from across the house.  But it was a one sided conversation.  “You really are trying to traumatize her even more aren’t you?”  You could hear a faint mumbling in reply.  “She doesn’t know you!”  Then Bobby stopped and you could hear more mumbling, this time both his voice and the two others. 

~~~~

“She doesn’t remember you, Dean.  You can’t just go and act like everything is back to the way it was.  She was in hell for crying out loud!  A heck of a lot longer than you were might I add.  She can’t even remember most of what happened down there and let’s keep it that way.”  Bobby paused.  “We’ll figure out a way to get her memories back, the ones from up here, but for the mean time, you two don’t know her.  So push all of those feelings and memories of when she was around, out, and start from scratch until we can fix this mess.”  Bobby turned away from Sam and Dean and walked back to your room.  He noticed a single tear slide down Dean’s cheek before doing so. 

~~~~

You shut your eyes and tried to focus on something, anything from down there.  You wanted answers; you wanted to remember anything so you didn’t feel so lost.  You continued to poke and prod at the wall in your mind, bursts of feelings and flashes of images separately made their way through.  After a few minutes you felt it.  Like a switch turned on in your brain, like the wall that was put up had been torn down, and a million memories came flooding back at once.  Sounds, sights, feelings, all came crashing down.  You were completely overcome so you desperately tried to regain your composure. 

You couldn’t open your eyes.  Images of you in a dark room passed before you one after another.  You continued to hear the same voice repeating the same words over and over.  “So good to see you again.  This session feels like a good one; don’t you think?”  Then after him repeating the words, whispering in your ear dozens of times you were back in the orange room, sitting in the corner with your knees brought up to your chest; his voice still echoing through your mind.

You forced your eyes open when you felt a hand on your arm.  “You okay?”  Bobby asked; nothing but concern in his eyes.  “Yeah, never better.”  You lied through your false smile, ignoring the feeling of sweat bead on your forehead.  “You were screaming.”  He sat on the edge of the bed.  You felt a stray tear fall down your cheek.  You looked up and saw the two hunters standing in the doorway.  They both looked like shit, the short one you found out was Dean, looked like he was going to collapse and fall apart.  You quickly looked away, his pain too much for you to handle at the moment.  “I’m fine.  Really.”  You said back to Booby, but spoke loud enough to address everyone.  Bobby nodded, though you could tell he didn’t buy a word you said to him, and made a move to exit with the other two and you let him.  You wanted to be alone for a moment. 

Once you were sure they left, you got up from the bed and sat down in the chair with your legs crossed underneath you.  You shut your eyes and tried to get the memories back once more.  You knew what to expect this time so you braced yourself for the worst.  It didn’t take you as long this time to recall the dark room.  It also wasn’t multiple memories at once.  No, this time it was one.  “So good to see you again, love.”  He mocked.  “You know they’re planning on bringing you back soon?”  He paused as he circled you like a predator does to its prey before the kill.  “I know that’s what I said decades ago, but this time they really are.  Too soon for my liking, however.  I’ve come to grow very fond of your screams.”  He stopped in front of you, his face contorted into a sickening grin.  “How do you feel about water boarding?  Thought I’d try something new this time.”

You opened your eyes and found, to your surprise, that you were completely alone.  You let out a sigh of relief; then steadied yourself as you got out of the chair.  You felt your heart pounding, threatening to beat right out of your chest.  Your head was still throbbing and your body ached.  But you were glad that the taste in your mouth was gone and that you were no longer in Hell. 

You made your way to the kitchen, using the walls for support along the way.  Once there, you stopped in the doorway.  Dean was sitting at the table, glass in hand and bottle of liquor next to him.  His face was red and his eyes were bloodshot.  “Hey, are you okay?”  You asked making your way to the table.  “You look worse than I do and I just got back from Hell.”  You joked lightly.  “Yeah, peachy.”  He said downing the last sip in his glass.  He made a move to pour another but offered you the bottle first.  “I’m not a fan of whiskey.”  You said declining the gesture.  You saw him bite his tongue.  “Did I say something?”  You were curious as to what he was going to say.  “No.”  His tone was flat.  “Dean, right?”  You asked trying to make light conversation.  “You remember?”  His eyes lit up and grew wide.  “No.  Bobby told me.”  Your eyes furrowed slightly.

“You were screaming again earlier.  Before you came in here.”  He said focusing back on his drink; obviously hurt and disappointed.  “Oh…um sorry about that.”  You apologized sheepishly.  “Don’t.  I know how it is.”  He took another swig from his drink.  “You know how it is?” 

“Yeah.”  He really looked at you when answered.  You thought he was searching for something.  “You really do.”  You looked back at him, seeing the pain in his eyes.  Then after a few moments of just staring you looked away.  But before you did you felt a nagging in your stomach.  You felt like you knew the man who sat across from you.  You felt like you really knew him.  “I was there for forty years.  I did things that…”  He trailed off and you let him.  “Bobby might have something else for you to drink.”  He rose from his seat and headed to the cabinet Bobby kept his booze in.  “He’s got scotch, bourbon, rum…”  You saw that he already had his hand on the rum bottle.  You smirked.  “Surprise me.”  He brought over the bottle of rum with a glass.  He placed the bottle on the table.  “Ah, my favorite.”  You smiled, pouring yourself some.

“I think Bobby just keeps it around for when I visit.  He’s not much of a spiced rum drinker.”  You genuinely laughed for the first time since you got back.  “So Dean; how do you know Bobby?”  You asked, taking a sip from your drink.  “He was a friend of my dad’s then he practically took my father’s place after he died.”  He never took his eyes off of you when he spoke.  “I’m sorry about your dad.”  You stated.  “So how do you know Bobby?”  He asked.  “He helped out my dad a few times.  I only ever see him a few times a year though.  I’m kind of surprised that he brought me back.  We weren’t very close after my dad died.”  You looked down to your drink, more memories came flooding back. 

You were back in the dark room, you knew that much.  But you couldn’t see anything; and all you heard was your father’s voice.  “He’s down here too.  I don’t get the pleasure of torturing him though.”

You looked back up at Dean, snapping out of the memory.  “You okay?”  He asked, concern covering most of his features.  “Yeah.”  You said with your glass up to your face.  “Yeah, sure.”  He said before getting up and heading to the fridge.  “You hungry?”  He said opening it and crouching to look inside.  “Sure, whatever you grab is fine.”  You said to him as he looked over his shoulder at you.  He started making two sandwiches then you got up and stood beside him.  “How long have you been hunting for?”  You asked watching him place the cold meat on the slices of bread he laid out.  “Since I was old enough to shoot a gun; you?”  He kept glancing at you out of the corner of his eye.  “After my mom died nine years ago.”  You stated, all emotion lost from your voice.  “A god damned demon-“ 

He stopped you.  “It’s alright.  You don’t have to tell me, I get it.”  He placed his hand on yours.  Those green eyes were focused on yours once more.  You felt like you knew him, seen him before somewhere.  His eyes were too familiar, but you didn’t know where you’d seen them.  Your breath hitched in your throat.  “Do I know you?  Have we worked together or something?”  You asked, trying to place him.  He didn’t answer and just continued to make the sandwiches.  “I really feel like I know you from somewhere.”  You said pulling your hand out from under his.  “Bobby’s probably got a picture of Sam and I around here.  Maybe you’ve just seen that.” 

“You’re lying.”  You stated.  “Your eyebrow furrowed when I said I knew you and asked if we worked together, and then you deflected the question.”  You paused.  “Have we worked together?  I really need you to answer me straight.  I’m still trying to get my brain working right.  Pieces are missing… I can feel it.”  You folded your hands across your chest as you racked your brain for answers.  Everything that came up was of the dark room and you started to get dizzy.  “I’ve uh-“  Was all you got out before collapsing to the floor. 

~~~~

“Great to have you back again, love.  Even if it isn’t all the way back.”  You were strapped to a table, the very familiar man hovering over you.  “No.  I was at Bobby’s.  I’m not really here.”  You tried to shake your head but it was strapped to the table too.  The leather belt pressed to your forehead.  “Yes, yes.  You aren’t really here; just trapped in your own head.  You see I get to have you when you overwork yourself; I’m just in your head, love.  Those memories that have been flooding your tiny mind have given me the opportunity to sneak in and take over for a while.  I’m just a compiled mass of memories that your subconscious mind has animated into a realistic state.  You could say that this is just a dream and when you’re up and conscious I’ll be just a memory. ”  He paused, making a deep cut down your arm.  “You’re still safely at Bobby’s with the Winchester boys… Well, when I say safely I don’t really mean safely.”  He was on the other side of you making a similar cut down that arm.  You winced.  “What do you mean?”  You asked through gritted teeth.  “I mean, you’re a ticking time bomb my dear.  Any time now you’ll just… burst.”  He made an exploding gesture with his hands. 

He walked over to the table at the other end of the room.  He placed his blade down and brought back over to you three large hooks.  “How would you like to experience what poor little Dean Winchester endured?”  He snapped his finger and you were now suspended by your wrists.  “He had it much rougher than you, love.”  He stood behind you as he took one of the hooks and placed it near your shoulder blade.  “Don’t be afraid to hold back your screams, sweetheart.”  His voice slithered in your ear as he pressed the edge of the hook to your skin.  Then after a few agonizing seconds he pushed the hook in to your shoulder.  You bit your lip, hard.  You tasted metal in your mouth and felt the hot liquid run down your back.  You let out a raspy yell as he twisted it in your body.  You looked down and saw the hook protruding out of your shoulder. 

“Oh come on Y/N.  You’re holding out on me.”  He said placing a cool hand on your hip.  “Where next?”  He squeezed.  “Here?”  He placed the edge of the hook on your other shoulder.  “No.  How about here?”  He placed it on your left side, just above your hipbone.  “Yeah, here’s a good place.”  There was no hesitation when he plunged the next hook in your side.  You were caught off guard and let out a scream, but you muffled yourself by clenching your teeth.

~~~~

“She just collapsed.”  Dean was holding you in his arms as he tried to tell Bobby and Sam what happened.  You nuzzled your head into his chest when you felt the vibrations of his voice against your ear.  “What were you talking about?”  Sam asked, making sure to cover all of the bases.  “She said she knew me from somewhere.  And that there were pieces missing.”  He looked down at you.  Your eyes were half open and you faintly smiled up at him.  “How are you feeling?”  He asked you, making sure you were okay before putting you down.  “Peachy.”  You smiled.  He carefully set you on your feet, but held under your arm for support.  In the moment all you focused on was Dean; forgetting about what you saw when you blacked out.  “Thanks.”  You said to him before trying to make your way back to your room.  “Hold up there Y/N.  Let me help.”  He was still holding on to you.

Dean brought you back to the bed.  Not another word was said between the pair of you and there wasn’t a need for them.  As soon as your head hit the pillow you were out like a light.  You didn’t dream, you weren’t brought back to the dark room, and the man who had been torturing you for all those years was nowhere to be found.  Just sweet, uninterrupted unconsciousness. 

You laid in the bed, eyes shut for a few minutes, just focusing on your breathing.  When you finally opened your eyes you saw that the sun was up, and when you turned your head you saw Dean back in the chair beside your bed, asleep.  You slid out from under the covers as quietly as you could and snuck into the kitchen.  Bobby was there at the table with a mug of coffee in front of him, a paper right next to that.  You gave him a slightly nod and headed right to the coffee pot.  Once you had gotten your drink you made your way to the table and sat across from him.  After taking a sip you finally spoke up.  “He was back in the chair beside the bed this morning.”  You whispered.  Bobby let out a frustrated sigh, but didn’t comment.  “I can remember some of what happened down there.  But it’s all just bits and pieces.  Same with the memories from before too.  Like I can remember some things but it’s like there were parts that were cut out and then the remains were pasted together again.”  You took another sip, acknowledging his curious and worried glances up from the paper.  “Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate what you’ve done to get me out and all but I think I would have been better off down there.”  You sighed.  This time Bobby ignored his paper and was staring at you in disbelief.  “No one is better off in Hell.  Not even you, Y/N.  Now if I ever hear another word like that out of your mouth, sweetheart you bet your ass I will kick you out of this house you won’t even know what hit you.” 

“Yeah, I just don’t believe you, no offence.”  You smiled slightly.  Your conversation with Bobby was then cut short when you heard dragging footsteps heading towards the kitchen.  “Morning.”  You greeted the taller man.  “Hey, you sleep alright?”  He asked, concern written all over his features.  “Surprisingly yes.”  You said as you took another sip from your coffee.  He went over to get a mug of his own and sat next to Bobby at the table.  “Anything come back to you yet?”  He asked over his mug.  “Just bits and pieces but to be honest I would rather not talk about it now, you know?”  He nodded and apologized.  “So you guys are hunters too?”  You asked, changing the subject.  “Yeah, have been forever.”  He said over his mug.  “Yeah, same.  Well not forever forever, but it’s been a while.”  You replied, then looked up to see that Dean was in the kitchen now as well.  “You know, I should probably get going.  I’ve been a burden to you for long enough.  Thank you for everything I really don’t know how to repay any of you.  But if you need anything, anything at all just let me know.”   You said, standing up, more than ready to leave. 

Your statement earned you baffled looks from the brothers and a stern, angry look from Bobby.  “You sit your ass back down young lady.  There is no way you are leaving until you are fully recovered.”  He said to you.  “I just need a minute.”  You said, not returning to your seat but instead walking out the front door and heading out into the scrap yard.  You found a spot by one of the stacks of cars and brought your knees up to your chest.  You shut your eyes only for your brain to be bombarded with images of a bright orange room.  You forced your eyes open and let out a sigh of relief to see that you were still in the scrap yard.  You wondered if last night was going to be your last peaceful night, since every time you closed your eyes you were in Hell. 

“Crowley?”  You called in a hushed tone.  “Yes, Y/N?”  His smooth accent came from behind you.  You turned your head, he began walking to you and then took a seat beside you.  “Can you just make them all come back or all disappear?  I’m sick of just bits and pieces.”  You said with an exasperated sigh.  “I don’t think you want me meddling with your memories.  They have been tampered with enough.”  He sounded sad to you and you couldn’t figure out why.  “If I go meddling in that head of yours, there’s no telling what sort of damage I could end up doing.”  He elaborated.  You let out a long sigh and slumped down even more.  “When will it get easier?”  Turning your head towards him slightly, not wanting to show how scared or exhausted you were.  You felt him staring at you.  “Darling, it takes time to move on, but you’ll never forget.”  He was being completely honest with you, figuring out you were talking about the visions and dreams.  “Ain’t that a kicker?  I can’t remember the shit I want to and I can’t forget the shit I want to forget.”  Let out a dry laugh, you made it to our feet and dusted off your pants. 

You held out a hand to help Crowley up.  Humoring you, he took it.  “Awe, your fancy suit is all covered in dust now.”  You joked, trying to lighten the mood for yourself.  He looked at you with twinkling eyes but kept his mouth shut.  Both of your heads turned when you heard the sound of footsteps walking towards the stack of cars you were behind.  You turned back to where Crowley was but he was gone and the footsteps were getting louder.  “Y/N, why don’t you come back inside.  You need to rest.”  Bobby said from over the cars.  Just as you were about to say something.  “The boys left.  It’s just you and me.  Figured you could use some peace and quiet so I had them go out for a couple days.”  You could see he was walking on eggshells around you.  Careful with his words, acting like you might break.  He wasn’t wrong.  Your head was swimming.  You were just glad he made those guys leave for a couple days.  But there was a part of you that felt hurt, felt lost knowing they weren’t around.

“Just a couple days?”  You asked, emerging from behind the vehicles.  He nodded and smiled when you came into view.  “Sam showed me how to set up Netflix for you.”  He wrapped an arm around your shoulder and led you into the house.  “Well I’ll be occupied for days.”  You laughed a little and tried not to flinch when you felt his arm on you.  He noticed and pulled away.  If Bobby just gave you some space, the next couple days might be alright.  You might get through this, with enough distractions.   

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! Once again, I'm so sorry that this was so late

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! :)


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